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The love-lock bridge, a symbol of love they say…
Yet, the bridge is crumbling under the weight of all those locks. June this year a part of the bridge even collapsed under the heavy burden of all those locks to keep love alive. Oh the irony… Right??

I’ve been on that bridge many many times, looking at those declarations of love.
And I always wondered, would they still be together? Are they still in love?

I didn’t believe in love.

I saw it all around me but figured it must be fake, it had to be. It were just people pretending or making themselves believe they were in love.

I remembered the last time I was in love, felt the butterflies, the warmth floating through my body when he looked at me… I was 19 or 20.

As I turned into a 30er I figured it must have been something hormonal as a puberty side-effect. I had ‘crushes’ in the past 10 years but they went as quickly as they came, within days and if lucky, within some weeks. I stepped into relationships knowing I didn’t love them, knowing they wouldn’t last, but hoping I might be wrong.

Of course I wasn’t… they were doomed to fail.

My last one was the worst. I disliked this guy from day one. He was everything I did not want in a life partner (I hope you never get to read this, if you do, I’m sorry, it was not your fault but mine). His personality, intellect, life-goals, physical appearance and interests didn’t match what I was looking for at all. I disliked his character, his friends and my friends wondered what the hell I was doing with this guy.

We stayed together for some time, fought constantly, and I felt miserable, never able to be at ease, to be me, and to be accepted as me. I felt I had to fake everything (and with everything I mean EVERYTHING…), me, the person I was wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, funny enough and so on. This had nothing to do with him but with how I saw the world and how I saw love and thus relationships. I knew love wasn’t real, couldn’t be real.

The last time I stood on that love-lock bridge was some time after the bomb between us burst on New Year’s eve 2010/2011. At midnight he wanted to kiss me and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t pretend anymore, I was exhausted. I looked at those locks and felt this intense sadness for all those poor fools thinking that love was real, that they found ‘it’… Those locks symbolised idiocy and naivety to me. Nevertheless, I took photos of them as I always did since they do give pretty shots and walked away.

2012-09-04_1346778513

I stayed single for almost 3 years after that last disaster. I was so tired of the faking, the lies, and was convinced that I was better off alone anyway. I thought I just wasn’t cut out for relationships, was probably unlovable, maybe even cursed.

At the beginning of 2013, however, I started to feel that intense loneliness again and carefully started dating again. My friends subtly pushed me a bit there, encouraged me to go, it would be good for me to get out they said…

The dates were a failure, horrible and only made me feel even more miserable and lonely. By mid-summer, after going on 4 or 5 dates I felt it was enough. “Fuck this” I thought, “no more dates. Just leave me alone”!

… And then a (Snow)man walked into my life on October 20th 2013… A month later on November the 16th we started dating and now after dating for a while we are still together and happy, madly in love…

Who knew?

Whenever I look into his eyes, those amazing dark mysterious eyes, I can feel the butterflies roaming around in my stomach, and often, out of nowhere, I feel this warm rush of love floating through my body. I didn’t know I had it in me, I didn’t know I could love this deeply.

I feel free, safe and at peace. Everything is effortless with him. I can be me, and me is perfect to him. No more faking, no more feeling uneasy, I am good enough, I am me, just me. He is everything I’ve ever wanted, he is the love of my life.

Yes, it is true what people say; you will know it once you see it, it is real, love is possible, love is real.

I was the fool, the naïve idiot, for not believing in love. That bridge didn’t collapse because of irony, it collapsed to prove how much love there is out here in the world.

But I don’t need to hang a heart/love-lock on that bridge in Paris, it’s our hearts that are already locked, linked with a much stronger lock than I could ever imagine.

Love is our lock, love locked our hearts together and I hope that love will lock our hearts together till our final days.

I love you my Snowman, I love you with all my heart, my dear sweet Nuno.

M.

 

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